Harry Potter and the Campside Angst
by Cszemis
Summary: The Potter characters fear the mighty stroke of JK Rowling’s pen and debate who may die in book 7. And Voldemort finally gets a well deserved slap in the face.


Title: Harry Potter and the Campside Angst

Author: Cszemis

Rating: T

Summary: The Potter characters fear the mighty stroke of JK Rowling's pen and debate who may die in book 7. And Voldemort finally gets a well deserved slap in the face.

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Once upon a time, a bunch of fictional characters were sitting around a campfire.

There were evil characters and good characters and not-so-good-not-so-evil characters, and Severus Snape was there too roasting some marshmallows.

At the centre of the crowd sat a young bespectacled schoolboy, his chin in his hand and his elbow on his knee, sighing dramatically to himself with every angst fibre in his body.

"We're all going to die," he moaned to the gathered characters, "JK has marked us all for death."

Voldemort dropped the popcorn with a girlie scream, "Why would she do that? After all we've done for her!"

Dumbledore on the other hand sighed with boredom and sipped on his hot cocoa, "Been there, done that, the custard in the afterlife isn't as nice. And you can't find any sherbet lemons at all."

"This is about more than sherbet lemons!" Harry thrust himself to his feet, standing on Dobby's foot in the process (served him right for trying to hump Harry's leg again), "can't you see how horrible it's going to be. Just to… die… at the hands of some merciless author that we've loved for so many years but is just going to end it like that!" He snapped his fingers for dramatic effect.

Hermione stroked the top of Crookshanks's head and purred to herself happily, "Well I know I'm not going to die."

"Oh yeah?" Ron Weasley narrowed his eyes at her, "you might be a smart arse in the books but even you don't have a say on who is going to pop their clogs."

"Well if I get killed off," she explained proudly with her nose in the air, "JK will be accused of sexism. It's simple. There are fewer female characters and she really can't afford to kill off the main attraction now can she?"

"Oh no sweetie," Bellatrix explained gently, "you just seem like a main character because your hair is so big that it hogs the page… and the screen."

Hermione squealed in indignation and struggled to flatten her hair while Draco Malfoy studied the flickering flames at his feet and pondered his own mortality.

"I've only learned how to cry," he said barely above a whisper, his eyes beginning to fill with tears.

"And I've only learned how to be assertive too," Neville looked positively miserable, "but the threat of death has stolen my confidence again. I could never stand up to Rowling in all my life."

Fred and George looked brave and fixed a smile on their faces, "We're not afraid of what JK chucks at us!" they chorused together.

But if you looked closely they were holding each other's hand tightly and were whispering in twin code to each other, "If JK kills you then she has to kill me too," "I could never live without my twin."

Harry Potter had noticed and the sight terrified him if even the witty twins were shaking with fear. He banged his head off his knees repeatedly and buckled his glasses, "Angst. Angst. Angst."

Voldemort began to pace up and down the camp, his red eyes glinting, "JK cannot possibly destroy me! I am invincible! I am immortal! I am so terrifying that you lot can't even speak my name. I am the greatest villain ever to have been written!"

"You are a right pain in the arse," Lucius Malfoy muttered, disgruntled in his old prison robes, his lovely long blonde hair hanging like straw around his majestic face. So he caught a hold of Voldemort's robes and sent him flying onto the ground, sniffing proudly to himself.

Ever the secret alcoholic, the giant Hagrid slurred his words and made a big oaf of himself as was the norm. "I know that I'm going to die. Been with Harry since the beginning. There has to be some death that really pisses him off and makes him turn super saiyan."

Draco stared through watery eyes at Harry and tried to superimpose platinum blonde hair on that black mop before bursting into sobs once more and falling at Neville's feet.

"I was so promising!" he wept, "I was trying to kill Dumbledore and my family was worried about me and I feared they were going to die and Dumbledore almost turned me to the light side and oh! Oh!"

"My character development!" Neville was beginning to shake and he knelt down to comfort Malfoy, "my poor potentially ruined character development!"

"What character development?" Peter Pettigrew snorted and threw a twig into the fire, "I've been missing for a few books, and if anyone dies it will be me. Life debt to Harry or no life debt to Harry."

"You are all rather missing the point," Lupin interrupted, "What you have to understand is that JK Rowling has been writing fictional books and we as fictional characters must abide by her laws."

"But she's so unfair!" Sirius pointed out, "I was looking forward to all the fan girls coming around to Grimmauld Place once Harry moved in."

"And I was looking forward to eating all the treacle tart once Harry moved out!" Dudley scoffed himself full of marshmallows. Snape glared at him and pulled the rest of the marshmallows out of reach from Dudley's fat fingers.

"I think the real problem lies with whoever casts the movies," Tonks seemed rather bitter, "Sirius and Remus are meant to be hot little man beasts and yet they cast ogres in the movie. I mean wotcher! What the fuck?"

"I'm not really partial," Moaning Myrtle floated above the flames, "I enjoy all available forms of man-flesh. And if any of you should die," she giggled to herself and bit her bottom lip, "I'm so going to look forward to molesting you in my toilet."

Harry fell off his chair and appeared to be having a fit but he was only having a flash back to the last time the pervert ghost Myrtle tried to molest him.

"Now Myrtle," Dumbledore shook his head disappointed, "if you do not control those unholy urges then we are going to have to banish you to the chick flick movies again."

Gilderoy Lockhart smirked around at everyone, "I have absolutely no idea what's going on but I am loving every moment of it. Who wants to ride my wand?"

"I would if I wasn't dead," Myrtle floated down onto his lap and tickled his chin.

"Now listen everyone," Lupin tried to get his voice heard again, "we are fictional. It does not matter if we all die, by being burned to death or drowned or hit with Avada Kedavra or even tickled to death, we are going to be brought back every time someone opens one of JK's books, when anyone reads us we shall be alive."

"But why would the muggles bother to read us anymore? The saga is finished," Cornelius Fudge asked patronisingly.

"Oh I know this one!" Colin and Dennis Creevy were beside themselves with excitement at getting a chance to speak, "it's because it's Harry! It's Harry Potter! He's so handsome, and so wonderful and so talented and everyone loves him!"

"Dobby loves Harry Potter too!" Dobby squealed and giggled, stroking Harry's lower leg.

Colin and Dennis watched jealously as Dobby began to run his little hand up and down Harry's leg and inched closer to get the chance to touch him too. Harry looked like he wanted to run away but there was a chance Dobby would trip him and he didn't fancy getting pinned to the ground by the Creevy's.

"JK is a communist," Luna announced, making shoelaces into a necklace and everyone turned to stare at her.

"A communist?" Lucius scoffed.

"Yes, she's taking over the world, haven't you all noticed?" Luna sang the words softly, tying the shoe laces around her neck.

"She's one of the richest writers in the world," Hermione told her patronisingly, "that's not communist."

"Perhaps, but she's ever so sneaky, that JK Rowling. She writes mystery books in the guise of children's fairy tales and she bewitches everyone with her humour and potentially sexy characters. Adults read the books, not just children and even some write fan fiction and do art work for her books. She's building an army of followers that will one day rise up and kill all the Lord of the Ring fans and bring communism to the world again!" Luna looked practically triumphant.

Cornelius Fudge looked thoughtful, "Well, she is very critical of the Ministry."

"She has an appalling attitude towards us," Percy fumed and cleaned his glasses, "I would enjoy giving her a piece of my mind!"

"And I would enjoy giving you a kick in the pants but I'm far too nice," Arthur slapped the back of his son's head.

Snape curled his lip and wrinkled his hook nose, irritated at how the conversation was turning out. He brought the marshmallow at the end of his wand out of the fire and stuck it in his mouth, glowering at everyone.

"At least I don't need to worry about death," Dumbledore watched Snape eating the marshmallow with envious eyes.

"Me neither," Sirius shrugged and from his place on the grass he leaned the back of his head onto Lupin's knee, allowing the werewolf to scratch behind his ears playfully.

"You all don't need to worry too much," James Potter watched his friends, "dying doesn't really hurt."

"Oh what do you know?" Voldemort glared at him, "you're barely a character. You have what, 3 lines? You're only ever referred to."

"And whose fault is that?" James stood up and looked ready to simply throw his wand away and punch Voldemort in the place where his nose used to be.

"I never actually did that!" Voldemort was indignant, "JK wrote that I did but none of the rest of you were actually there."

"I was," Harry raised his hand.

"You were practically a glint in your father's eye, infant," Voldemort snarled at Harry.

"Are you talking to my son like that?" James raised his voice, his untidy black hair standing on end.

"Yes, I am," Voldemort crossed his arms over his chest and then had to back off when he was attacked, not by James, but by Lily, who had been admiring her green eyes for the past few hours before she started slapping the dark lord around the head.

Everyone stopped angsting for a minute to watch Lily Potter giving Voldemort a long expected beating. He held her off and declared her a mud blood but she was back again with a vengeance, smacking and slapping Voldemort repeatedly for being a bad boy.

"Woah," Harry could barely believe his glasses, "so that's where I get my temper from."

"Well she's a red head," Ginny patted the top of his head, "and I'm pretty much like her. I can't decide if it's cute or kinda sick that you and your dad are attracted to the same sort of woman."

"It's cute," Harry decided for her and hid behind Ginny, unable to bear Dobby any longer.

This made Ginny laugh and she pulled his hair playfully, "JK has stopped torturing you for now but doesn't mean that we all can't. NOW WHAT'S MY NAME BITCH?"

"Ginevra," Harry tried to free himself desperately, "Ginevra! Definitely not Virginia! GINEVRA!"

Snape shuddered and buried his face in his hands, trying to shut everyone else out.

"Please stop hurting me Ginny," Harry cried, "I'm far too pretty. Didn't you see the photographs of the play I was in?"

"I did," Myrtle giggled from Lockhart's lap.

"Me too," Draco stopped crying at the very thought and Lucius looked horrified.

"My son was ogling over pictures of that freak?" he bellowed, hurting Snape's ears.

"Research," Draco quickly blurted out, "you know, to see if he had any weak spots; scars etc. To figure out where best to curse him."

"I did the exact same thing," Bellatrix chewed on a fingernail.

"Me too," Hermione went rather pink, "but to see what area we should protect in case he was fragile."

Ron looked like he was going to explode with rage but Snape let out a small frustrated moan that stopped him.

"Woah dude, calm down, the pictures weren't that hot," Ron pointed out and stole a marshmallow from the Potions Master to calm himself down.

The red head then found Snape's wand pointed directly at his nose, the greasy haired Professor snarling with every evil fibre in his body.

"How do you all not realise that I am the true villain and that you shall all die by my hand?" he asked with a growl.

"You're the bad guy?" Dumbledore looked surprised.

Snape chuckled evilly, "Of course I am, you ancient twit. You fools should all know JK by now, it seems that it's only loony Luna that has the real measure of her. She plays you all for fools, she tricks you, tortures you, switches, cheats. She had you all thinking that I was the villain in Philosopher's Stone when it was Quirrell and did any of you guess?

"Did you ever imagine that Sirius was a good guy or that Peter Pettigrew was a simple family pet? No. She tricked you once and she's done it time and time again. She hints, she teases towards the real suspect but you all never guess; readers and characters alike!

"And now," Snape savoured his moment, "now is my time to shine. She's made you fear Voldemort all along and now I, Severus Snape, shall kill the Dark Lord and destroy your feeble and pathetic existence."

The characters got to their feet but Severus pointed his wand at the group and said those dreaded words.

"Avada Kedavra!"

They fell like rain, the characters sliding to the ground unmarked and unblemished, a single curse from an absurdly powerful wizard killing them all. He smirked to himself, proud of how hidden his abilities had always been, pleased that no one had ever guessed the true depths of his evil.

Yes, JK Rowling liked her tricks. And Snape liked his marshmallows. And he was damned if he had to share.

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READ AND REVIEW PRETTY PLEASE


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